Went to Nova Scotia  for my mom's wedding and I had two baby showers! It was a very good trip. I forgot my medications and as a result had to get some from my small town. First time in my hometown getting depression medications. As life would have it  the pharmacist knew who I was. It was harder getting it from someone who knew me and my family but she was really nice. My cousin is also a pharmacist and she was really glad that I was taking medication for my depression even though I am pregnant. She said that more problems arise when women stop taking them than those who do. My gynecologist said the same thing. She mentioned that the safer the mother is, the better the child. Now, she also mentioned that often the baby has withdrawal for a week or two after the birth, depending on the dose that I would be on. She said that makes the baby a bit shaky at first, but there has been no long term damage to date.  Now, to my knowledge and research there are no malformations involved with women who take antidepressants during pregnancy. There is an increase in early births and an impact on APGR scores (which means the responsive tests they do to see if the baby needs to go into intensive care or not) but nothing impacting mortality rates. In fact, most studies concluded that taking medication was better for both the mothers and babies as the mothers mental health seriously impacted the quality of life if the baby. Although many studies of doctors and pharmacists opinions on this matter show a varied approach, I see taking drugs as a way to ensure that I am in the best possible mood and mental state to deliver a child and to take its health seriously. I know that often when I was depressed I would not eat, or eat too much and taking care of my body was not a priority. Being on medications keeps me clear headed and focused on taking care of myself to take care of my baby. I think that is the best thing I can do for this baby and I hope that some day they will agree with me. 

I am sorry I haven't written in a while.  I would like to tell you that I was extremely busy and that I did lots of amazing stuff but I definitely didn't. I did however, get a part time job. So now I will be working a bit to offset my bored-ness and keep me from going insane!

Ok.

So I had my birthday this week which went very well. I thank all for their well wishes.  I am now 25 and officially an adult who can rent a car and get reductions on my car insurance. I feel very grown up. So what do grown ups do for their birthday? Well, they go to Calypso(r) a water theme park in Ottawa! It was wonderful and I got part of a burn that turned into nicely peachy skin after 24 hours. I am lightly sun-kissed one might say.

I got birthday cards in the mail full of money which is always great when you are unemployed! I had crepes with the inlaws which were amazing and got my own choice of Tupperware from my mother-in-law's stash. The good stuff that I can pass down to the next generation on might say. John and I went to a concern last night with Norah Jones which was also amazing so I had quite the birthday weekend! The only thing missing was a cake and candles. I know that sounds odd but that part did not happen and I am missing it a bit. Maybe that is what an adult requires, no cake unless you make it yourself. Maybe I will make myself a cake today...

On the pregnancy front I now look pregnant and not fat. It is exciting to me as my baby is the size of a navel orange and supposedly doing lots of exercise while mom still has a hard time getting her heart rate up and not vomiting. Over all the nonsense 'morning sickness' has subsided but has been replaced with the ' oh, that smell is awful! Try not to throw up!' stage. Right now I have an extra hard time feeding my dogs dog food, going into the garage (as the garbage is in there and warmed throughout the day), going back upstairs after breakfast as the smell of the family sleeping area is  nauseating, doggie dodo, and other random things may make me up-chuck at any moment. It is a wonderful life! The other issue I have is the getting my heart rate up thing. I am going to the doctor this week and I will ask him but I am frustrated with the fact that every time I get even remotely overheated I get nauseous. This makes walking briskly difficult let alone real exercise. I am trying to keep up exercise in the pool here, but I am not having an easy time as it is so hot out every day swimming is not even that cooling. 

Mood wise I am trying to stay optimistic. Having no job and realizing this week that it may be smarter to not get something that is too commiting may be best (as I will not be available for a significant amount of time to make a transition into a more case management position), and keeping a positive outlook is hard. I am considering doing some volunteering in costume design at a theatre to pass the time and get experience doing sewing as a job of sorts. See if this would be something I could do while I am on maternity leave. That and by volunteering I can learn things for free is always a plus. But that is about it. Mood is stable but on the low positive side. Not chipper but moving forward. 

I just want to note today, that I watched this commercial before I watched a 3D video about what stage my baby was at, and I cried and cried and cried. It was a commercial that was touching. I think I hit the emotional phase. I am kind of embarrassed but I have a good feeling a lot of you will be crying too so I thought I would share this moment. Love you mom. 

Since I wrote last I have been doing a lot to make myself feel less 'purposeless'. I have done a mural on the wall of my bedroom today with the help of my father in law. My vegetables are doing great and I am watering them regularly, although it rained today and it wasn't necessary. John and I cleaned the house thoroughly this weekend and it looks great and feels great! My sewing room/baby room is clean so I am really happy about that. I will likely make some baby booties tomorrow and work on some resumes. Still am jobless but I am trying to remain positive. I put my reading skills to use today and found the best deals for food for groceries and planned a menu for it. At the grocery store I saw a women who was buying food for the ladies she worked for who have intellectual disabilities (she said mentally challenged but obviously she has her political correctness wrong). It reminded me of doing grocery's for both my past jobs. And I was glad I was not doing them. 

Had a rather difficult last two days. John went back to work yesterday and as was expected I had a difficult day. I was planning on doing good things and I started the day with a five kilometre walk with my dogs. Then I made a doctors appointment and I planned on going to the gym, but the timing was off. I had to wait two hours until my gym class started so I went to lay down for a 'few minutes'. Well, needless to say my depression got the best of me and when I woke up it was noon. Then I came and sat on the couch and did nothing on the computer long enough that I forgot my doctors appointment. 

I haven’t had any time this past week to get in a post unfortunately, which may be driving some of my readers mad (sorry dad, just too busy). I have been doing a lot of ‘house making’ or what people who are pregnant like to say ‘nesting’ that has taken up a lot of my time. If those who know me are reading I have not watched a movie yet since coming to Ontario which really tells you how busy I am! So much to do and it feels like so little time, although really we have two years to do it.

We have officially fixed the front of the house so that the gardens look more like gardens and not weed patches. We have already gotten complements from the neighbours stating that it looks  better than it has in 20 years. I guess this is a  good thing. All the time of working on them though I have had the ‘morning sickness’ and tiredness which made it more difficult than I thought it would. I have gone to the doctor though and got some ‘diclectin’ which is supposed to help with the nausea, but all it has done so far is keep the constant feeling of nausea down, and replaced it with sudden urges to vomit which are followed by me vomiting. I have actually increased the amount of vomiting since starting it, and now that I am writing this down will likely call a pharmacist to figure out what to do…

We bought some Koi fish for our pond out back and I cleaned out the pond yesterday. There are three fish, one orange and black, one black and yellow, and one white with an orange spot on his forehead. They seem to like the pond but not us humans. The dogs have yet to realize they exist, although I think Merlin may have found one this morning as he looked at the pond with a cocked head. I think that once they realize there are fish there they will go to the pond more often.

I have been swimming regularly in the pool and I think it is helping stretch muscles that have not been used in a while. It is great to do back flips in the water and stretch out my stomach muscles that have been feeling rather over taxed at present with all the moving around inside. My baby is now the size of a lime so things, I think, are beginning to move around in there and it is best to keep the muscles active underneath.

I am feeling more positive about the move and the baby as we got the ultrasound and I got to see my baby moving around like it was dancing! I am beginning to feel at home here, more than  in Halifax, just with less friends surrounding me (until I make new ones of course). The community here is very welcoming and there is a pool party coming up which we will attend. Everyone here appears to be grandparents and are very excited to have another adoptive ‘grandbaby’ which I feel is how they see the baby I carry. I am glad for that, as it makes me not feel alone. 

We are in Ottawa!

It took three days and I was feeling 'morning sickness' all day everyday from eating and getting into the car and eating and sleeping... It was not a pleasant trip. However, we are in Ottawa!

It took three days and I was feeling 'morning sickness' all day everyday from eating and getting into the car and eating and sleeping... It was not a pleasant trip. However, we made it in one piece and we may or may not ship the dogs in future as they were a bit of a handful. I think the most surprising part of moving them was the looks and assumptions all the hotels made about our large dogs. One place assumed that a larger dog meant a larger mess. Not the case, great danes just sleep all day, too lazy to make a mess. The bed and breakfast we stayed at wasn't as dog friendly as we assumed it would be, or maybe just not to large dogs. It wasn't that they were against the large dogs, they just didn't want to pet them, just take akward photos. It was weird. trip. However, we are moving to our home today and we can do what we want again with our dogs which will be much better.

Feelings surrounding pregnancy really boil down to the change in John. As he mentioned, and he could be right, I may be having changes emotionally that affect my perception of him right now. I am sensing that he is a bit more impatient and lacking in humour (also could just be that he is sick), but he assures me that he is not upset. But whichever way we look at it we are not communicating as well as usual and as a result it is adding to the stress of our move. I have been extra stressed these past few days as we have been `homeless`on our trek across country. Not having a place where I can relax and not have my guard up has been very difficult on me. That, mixed with the exceptional amount of planning required to move has made me extra exhausted (on top of pregnancy exhausted) and I have been sleeping my way through the trip. There was a mishap and a potential for elongating my agony yesterday with a wrong phone number and I nearly lost it. However,  today we get our stuff and can sleep in our new place so I am starting to calm down and feel less anxious. Luckily I do recognize that these stresses are not because of my depression and simply the stress related to moving. That in a small way brings me hope. 

Last overnight shift! I am so pumped about this as my body can't take it much longer. I am exhausted and I really need a good sleep, but I will from here on out sleep when others are sleeping instead of being awake! Hurray!

I saw the film 'What to Expect' this week and really liked the part where the mother states ' I was wanting the glow, but now I found my glow (which was her baby).' I think that is what my baby will be to me as my pregnancy does not feel like a positive time right now that is full of great experiences with no hardships. Each person experiences it differently I just wasn't expecting this. I guess you never do.

So much to do this week as we are moving. It is overwhelming. I printed off a to do list today so I hope to keep that up over the next few days. Excited to have it all finished, including being pregnant. But worried aobut

So,

I just finished my last full weekend of work before I move to the big Ottawa! I am exhausted and just finished a three hour nap to celebrate the occasion and had a overly fatty 'meat lovers' pizza from Costco. I was very surprised when I didn't get heartburn from it. I guess pregnancy makes some different statements when it comes to unidentified meats. 
I am feeling less nauseous these days, which has got me through this weekend. I have been having bad food cravings thought, like greasy cheesy garlic fingers and donair sauce, but no candy or sugar as of yet. Just the fatty stuff. 

My spotting has stopped and my cramping has reduced so I am less worried about a miscarriage these days, which improves my mood drastically. However, my husband just left and I have to take care of all the final details before we move and that is stressing me out just thinking about it. I can do it, I am just stressed about it. 

My depression right now is not seemingly obvious.as it usually is, looming on the sideline waiting to get into the game. I am very thankful for that right now. I hope it continues.