July 29, 2012

7/29/2012

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I am sorry I haven't written in a while.  I would like to tell you that I was extremely busy and that I did lots of amazing stuff but I definitely didn't. I did however, get a part time job. So now I will be working a bit to offset my bored-ness and keep me from going insane!
I have had many ups and downs over the past few weeks. I have found that my medication doesn't work after 7pm anymore (likely due to my weight gain). I have been struggling with this as my John doesn't come home until after 7pm most nights so he sees me at my worst. I feel really bad about that but he doesn't seem to mind.  It has been hard dealing with the insecurities and unrealistic thoughts that intrude my mind when the meds go away. I think of the most random, inaccurate, and negative parts of myself and then they get caught up in this cycle in my head all night until I either drown them out with television or I go to bed. I am beginning to try to deal with them head on, and often times I can be caught saying random things to John like " Do you hate me?" and him going "what did I do to make you think that?" He still doesn't understand my depression, really, and as much as I want him to, I also like the fact that he dwells on the better Kate. The Kate that doesn't think the negative things about herself. I think that is a good thing. 

I have been working on some tools to help me feel less 'stuck' with my condition. I am going to do a 7 session workshop with John's father this upcoming week to hopefully work through some of the feelings that I think are keeping me stuck. Knowing that the meds wear off, I want to know that I can handle myself in the negative state well and not freak out all the time (to give myself some credit, I am able now to see myself freak out and then take a breathe and calm down a bit) so that when the baby comes and there is another stressor I can deal with that stressor without the other situations in my life popping up first. I hope and pray this helps. 

I am going home to Nova Scotia in two weeks! My mother is getting married and I am in the wedding party so I must be there! I am so happy for her and really look forward to seeing my family again. I have recently changed my attitude towards how I interact with my family so I will be able to enact my new self! I am excited for the opportunity! I also got my mom and her new husband presents that are excellent and I am excited to give them. That and I am going to have a baby shower so I get baby stuff to swoon over!

I meet with a fostering team member tomorrow to discuss fostering. I have wanted to foster kids for 10 years now and finally feel like I am in a place to say this is a possibility. For now we are going to do the training and may do some respite work with the fostering here in  Ottawa, but once we do John's final away posting, we will likely be back in Ottawa for the rest of his career. This means more permanent fostering. So for now, I am glad we get to start the process and begin to get John on board. John asked yesterday if it would be wise to take parenting classes so that when we have our own baby we would be better prepared. I reminded him that fostering requires this and he seemed excited to start this process as this would be a help to our own kids. I am glad he is excited. 

I have to say we are doing very well and as much as I have more time to spend in my depression I am beginin
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July 9, 2012

7/9/2012

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Ok.

So I had my birthday this week which went very well. I thank all for their well wishes.  I am now 25 and officially an adult who can rent a car and get reductions on my car insurance. I feel very grown up. So what do grown ups do for their birthday? Well, they go to Calypso(r) a water theme park in Ottawa! It was wonderful and I got part of a burn that turned into nicely peachy skin after 24 hours. I am lightly sun-kissed one might say.

I got birthday cards in the mail full of money which is always great when you are unemployed! I had crepes with the inlaws which were amazing and got my own choice of Tupperware from my mother-in-law's stash. The good stuff that I can pass down to the next generation on might say. John and I went to a concern last night with Norah Jones which was also amazing so I had quite the birthday weekend! The only thing missing was a cake and candles. I know that sounds odd but that part did not happen and I am missing it a bit. Maybe that is what an adult requires, no cake unless you make it yourself. Maybe I will make myself a cake today...

On the pregnancy front I now look pregnant and not fat. It is exciting to me as my baby is the size of a navel orange and supposedly doing lots of exercise while mom still has a hard time getting her heart rate up and not vomiting. Over all the nonsense 'morning sickness' has subsided but has been replaced with the ' oh, that smell is awful! Try not to throw up!' stage. Right now I have an extra hard time feeding my dogs dog food, going into the garage (as the garbage is in there and warmed throughout the day), going back upstairs after breakfast as the smell of the family sleeping area is  nauseating, doggie dodo, and other random things may make me up-chuck at any moment. It is a wonderful life! The other issue I have is the getting my heart rate up thing. I am going to the doctor this week and I will ask him but I am frustrated with the fact that every time I get even remotely overheated I get nauseous. This makes walking briskly difficult let alone real exercise. I am trying to keep up exercise in the pool here, but I am not having an easy time as it is so hot out every day swimming is not even that cooling. 

Mood wise I am trying to stay optimistic. Having no job and realizing this week that it may be smarter to not get something that is too commiting may be best (as I will not be available for a significant amount of time to make a transition into a more case management position), and keeping a positive outlook is hard. I am considering doing some volunteering in costume design at a theatre to pass the time and get experience doing sewing as a job of sorts. See if this would be something I could do while I am on maternity leave. That and by volunteering I can learn things for free is always a plus. But that is about it. Mood is stable but on the low positive side. Not chipper but moving forward. 


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