Day 18: May 12, 2012

5/11/2012

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Dear Baby,

Your mom doesn't feel up to the task of taking care of you today. I think it would be good for you to know that your mom has depression and sometimes she may feel like she doesn't want you but it is not her speaking. It is this  chemical imbalance inside of her that doesn't want you, not your mother. Sometimes this imbalance can overpower your mother and make her feel like she isn't going to take care of you  like she should and that she is not a good mother. It takes over her and she tries her best to fight it but sometimes she can't. 

But one thing your mom does promise you is that these will just be days at a time. The love your mother has for you will push through and will not be obstructed by the chemicals forever. At first you will have to recognize small signs, like an attempt at a smile towards you, a brief hug, or a extra cookie in your lunch box. You need to take these to mean that your mom is fighting to show you  she loves you. Eventually she will be able to crawl out of the darkness that is in her mind and come and love you as much as she wants to. 

Being a baby of a mom who has depression will be difficult but if you are half as strong as your mother you will make it and become a beautiful child with so much to offer the world. And maybe someday mom won't have this depression. Maybe someday she will not have to fight with her own mind and try to overcome these chemicals on a daily basis. Then you and mom can be together always.


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Day 14: May 8, 2012

5/8/2012

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Dear Baby,

I got my blood test done yesterday to confirm that you exist. I was so tired afterwards that I slept an extra two hours! You are really tiring me out! You seem to have a craving for vegetables and I am eating them all the time because of you. They taste so good, as good as ice cream right now so I am excited for you as a baby in my arms in hopes that you will like them then too! 

We went for a run today you and I. We ran through the woods with the dogs and it was exhilarating! Dodging trees and watching out for looming roots; drinking water from the lake and taking too many steps in deeper mud than expected. You will love the woods like me when you grow up because they are the best place to think without distraction and explore to your hearts content! The natural sounds of the woods will bring you peace as it does me.

I told my friends about you last night. They were all excited to meet you! You are going to be the first kid in my best friend group, which is going to make you very special. You are already special to me, but you will be extra special to everyone else.


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Day 11: May 5th, 2012

5/5/2012

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Dear Baby,

I told my brothers about you yesterday and they were happy and excited to meet you! They were frustrated with your mom though because of my presentation ( I just said " just on a random note, I am pregnant"). I laughed quite heartily though as making your uncles irritated is what your mom does best! I got a book "What to expect when you are expecting" from your grandfathers fiance which I read some of today and it seems to have a lot of information about you and what I can and cannot do. What a list! I will try to master it all but really, I am going to be my own person baby and you are going to exercise with me, eat with me and do stressful work with me and we will be just fine! I sure hope anyway.

I often wonder what you look like now. I can't wait to get the blood test so I can find out how you look right now. Do you look like a bone or a small whale with flippers and such? It doesn't matter, I love you anyway.

Love e
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Day 7: May 1, 2012

5/1/2012

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Dear Baby,

It is a gloomy day outside Ottawa but oddly enough I am not really impacted by this gloom as I usually am. If the gloom persists for over a day I think I will be but for now Mom is happy. 

I hope you are warm in there because sleeping is super difficult because I am like a furnice! John can't even cuddle with me at night for long because he gets over heated. I have turned into my very own Jacob (Twilight reference), which I never believed would happen. I hope your heat lasts towards the winter months because I will be tosty!

John and I are returning to Halifax by plane today. I am glad this part of the process is done as it was very stressful; finding a place to live and calling in home in under a week. Luckily we found a place, as others in our position have often not found one, which makes the move that much more difficult. 

I wonder what you look like today and if you have a heart yet. I saw the 'Body Exhibit' when I was in Las Vegas and I saw babies through the cycle of pregnancy from week 1 right through to pregnancy. It was so neat and I am thinking of which stage you are at. We have a doctors apointment tomorrow so hopefully this week I will find out. 

It would be ironic to me
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Day 6: April 30, 2012

5/1/2012

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Hello baby,

I wanted to write for a few days now but my phone wasn't working and I figured I would start a blog so here it is. We bought a new house! This is likely where you will be born and will have your first room! I have the room all picked out already and John and I have decided on a bed and... well I know I am getting ahead of myself but this is something you will have to learn about your Mom. She often dreams ahead a lot and then has her dreams shatter. Her mother, your Grandmother, says that I still just need to keep dreaming despite the disappointment. But often times the disappointment is unbearable. 

On a more positive note I think the hormones that are rushing to make you into a girl or a boy are making John more funny. I am laughing at his jokes more than I ever have and he is enjoying it thoroughly! I have never found him humorous before (rarely) but now he is a comedian! I found myself laughing at something that before I would have rolled my eyes at so I am assuming it is the hormones. You are definitely bringing out a positive side of me baby. I hope more of these come.

We are returning to the dogs tomorrow and I am hoping they will notice you in there soon! I know Merlin might, as he sleeps with his head on my stomach a lot. I know they will both love you a lot and fiercely protect you.  Just as I will.

Loving you more as you grow.

Mom

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